Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
blocked.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”