Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
You Might Also Like
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Finally!
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.