Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.