*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.