None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
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I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?