Bit chilly again tonight.
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“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Herpes is trending, good job people
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.