“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
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Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
2 years later
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.