[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
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When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
what’s really going on
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
do u think theres a butter planet?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN