Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
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someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU