I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
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Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.