ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.