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Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My good tweets are in my other pants.