I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
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[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*