20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
You Might Also Like
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.