Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
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one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier