*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
You Might Also Like
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
The options really are this bad
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.