astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
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Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.