Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
You Might Also Like
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..