“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it