Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
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A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
“How’s your day going?”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.