[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
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My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.