And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
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Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Plant care tips
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.