wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
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Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
my mom making me talk to relatives
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I hope this email finds you in a well
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah