Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
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Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…