Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
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Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I鈥檓 going to be a printer today and just not work.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 馃え
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That鈥檚 so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Merica.
My weight? That鈥檚 on a need to know basis and I don鈥檛 need to know!
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”