coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
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*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
pat pat
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball