[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
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gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Why soy sad?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Proctology is located in A55
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
what’s the point then??
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch