I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
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Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
(2022)
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
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