Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*