” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
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If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”