“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
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McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”