If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
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You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
nature’s most graceful animal
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.