My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
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“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
just gave your address to some spiders
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge