When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
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[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.