Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
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Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered