My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
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ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
#ParentingFacts
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!