Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”