Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.