If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes