I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
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people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Monica just destroyed the internet
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.