On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
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Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err