ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
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stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Oh. My. God.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!