her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
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Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Me too door. Me too.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”