read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I know
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.