Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
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6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I created you as mosquito food.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.