Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
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I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
mumsnet is amazing
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.