me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
You Might Also Like
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.