Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
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science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.