“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
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A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?