I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
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Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Spider-cat: No One Home
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I forgot how to panic. Help
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”